What Grief Taught Me This Summer

Some years ago, I read something that said, “healing is never-ending.” There will always be something that can trigger you or bring up old thoughts and feelings. At the time, I don't know if I completely understood what that meant, but I think I do now.

As a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist, someone who has done the work, read the books, listened to the podcasts, and learned the tools, I STILL have my moments where I'm sad. Incredibly sad.

There are days when it's a struggle not to lie in bed all day or when I have to make myself put one foot in front of the other just to create some type of motion or momentum.

That's the funny thing about grief. It can creep up on you when you least expect it.

Sometimes you know it's coming. Maybe it's a loved one's birthday or the anniversary of their death. Other times, believe it or not, it can be something good that triggers it. You could be scrolling through social media and see a post of a mother and daughter spending time together and suddenly feel that loss all over again.

Sometimes seeing someone celebrate the very thing you've lost can be the thing that opens the door for grief.

June

My mother passed away on June 18, 2023, and her passing affected me in more ways than I realized at the time.

I grieved the “what could've been.”

I grieved the hope I had for our relationship had she not passed. I grieved time wasted on petty arguments and the distance that substance abuse created between us. I grieved knowing there would never be another chance for us to get it right.

So during the month of June, I allowed those feelings of longing and sadness to come through.

To some people, that may seem counterproductive or even like I'm allowing myself to slip back into a dark place. For me, it felt more like welcoming an old friend back.

You know that friend nobody really knows about? The one who knows your darkest secrets and fears? The friend you know probably isn't good for you, but you're just not ready to give them up yet?

That's what grief felt like.

It was familiar.

So, for June, I allowed myself to feel what I felt.

Then came July.

July

July is my birth month, and there was definitely a shift.

I wanted to celebrate. I was invited out of town for a friend's birthday celebration, attended my cousin's wedding out of state, and then celebrated my own birthday in Mexico with my best friend of 25+ years.

July was full of love, family, laughs, and peace.

And when I say peace, I mean the peace to just BE. To enjoy the blessings and goodness this world still has to offer without feeling like I needed to analyze it or feel guilty about enjoying it.

I tried new things. I zip-lined into water, went snorkeling without panicking, did water aerobics, and sang karaoke on stage in front of 50+ strangers.

I had FUN.

But looking back, I realized something else was happening too.

I was being intentional about my happiness and joy.

Even though there were things at the resort in Mexico that weren't exactly to my liking, I didn't let them stop me from enjoying myself. I didn't let them change how I treated the staff or ruin the experience. I made a conscious decision that I was going to enjoy where I was, who I was with, and what I was experiencing.

So, What Did Grief Teach Me?

That brings me back to the title, “What Grief Taught Me This Summer.”

Grief taught me that I need to be INTENTIONAL about my happiness.

I don't need to stay sad about everything I didn't have or everything I missed out on. That doesn't mean those things didn't hurt or didn't matter. They did.

But instead of only grieving what I didn't have, I can also be intentional about loving and appreciating the good times that were had.

I learned this summer that, for ME, it's okay to be sad.

It's okay not to be okay.

But it's not okay for me to wallow in that sadness.

And I want to be clear about the for me part because everyone grieves differently. I'm talking about what I have learned about myself and what I need at this point in my healing.

I need to be intentional about how I grieve just as much as I'm intentional about my joy and happiness.

Grief was there when I didn't know what to do with my feelings and those big emotions. When I didn't know where else to put them, grief gave them somewhere to go.

But it also taught me that it's time to let that one-sided friendship go.

That doesn't mean I'm never going to be sad about my mother again. Of course I am. It doesn't mean another anniversary won't hurt or that another mother-and-daughter post won't catch me off guard.

It just means grief doesn't get to take up permanent residence.

It can visit.

I can acknowledge it.

I can feel it.

I can even sit with it for a while.

But eventually, it has to go home.

Because I have a life to live too.

And I think that's probably the biggest thing grief taught me this summer.

June reminded me of what I've lost.

July reminded me of what I still have.

And I need room in my life for both.

This summer taught me to be intentional about the things that mean the most to me—the people I love, the friendships I value, the experiences I want to have, and the things that help me become a better person and friend.

I want to be intentional about my healing.

Intentional about my life.

And definitely intentional about my JOY.

Àṣẹ.